Our Birth Story and the End of a Blog

Brooklyn is three weeks old today!  She was born on Sunday, July 31st, at 11:23 p.m. and we couldn't be more in love!

Contractions started just before 4 a.m. and about 7:30 a.m., when they were still going, we decided this must be the real thing and Kelly started calling around to find someone to come in for work. Because, of course, I would go into labor not only on a day that Kelly worked, but also right when he was scheduled to leave for work so that he'd have to find a substitute to come in and cover for him near the beginning of his shift.  He finally was able to leave work at 9 a.m. and we got to the hospital at about 11:30 a.m. When we checked in, we were dilated to 4 cm. so they kept us! My water hadn't broken yet and they wanted us to get up to at least 5 cm. before they gave me my epidural so they had us walk the halls for awhile. I toughed it out and they finally checked again at 4 p.m. and we were up to 5 cm! The doctor came in, broke my water, and called the nurse anesthetist to get my epidural. Plus, they started Pitocin to help speed things up since my contractions had started to slow down. The epidural was AWESOME . . . while it lasted. There ended up being a kink in the line so I only got the initial dosage and not the continual drip. About 5:30 I started feeling pain again and by 6:30 I was BEGGING them to up the dosage. The contractions were far more painful at this point than they had been when I initially had gotten the epidural. He did come up the dose, but because of the kink in the line, I wasn't getting it anyways so I was stuck with the pain. At 8:45, the doctor checked me again and we were up to 9 cm and, at 10 pm, we were ready to start pushing! My body's natural response to pain is to puke, so just before 10 p.m. I ended up throwing up twice. At 10 p.m., we started pushing and, after vomiting twice more and nearly an hour and a half of pushing, Brooklyn Leah Harper Olson arrived at 11:23 p.m.! I ended up with one second-degree tear that required four stitches and one first-degree tear that didn't get any stitches. She was 7 lbs., 12.7 oz. and 19 inches long and has bright red hair! I'm not quite sure where the red hair came from considering that Kelly and I are both brunettes, but she sure is cute! =] She was only 37 minutes away from being born in an entirely different month!

She had many visitors the night she was born!  As soon as the nurses would let our family in, they were there!  Grandma Gail, Grandpa Bruce, Uncle Arik, Uncle Arik's friend Skyler, Aunt Brianna, Grandma Nancy S., Aunt Angie, and Grandma Nancy O. were all there!  Throughout the hospital stay, Uncle Tommy, Great Aunt Carol, Second Cousin Bailey, Great Grandma Pauline, and Uncle Travis all came to visit as well.



We were able to leave the hospital on the morning of Wednesday, July 3rd and I'm cherishing every second that we have with this amazing little girl.  We couldn't be more in love.

And I suppose that was officially the end of our miracle pregnancy and now we have a miracle baby girl. =] So, now we switch blogs as well.  I loved being pregnant and wouldn't trade a second of it.  I hope, one day, I am blessed enough to have the opportunity to experience pregnancy again.  Hopefully not for awhile though, because we want to enjoy every second of Brooklyn's first few years without having to divide our attention.  From here on out, I will be switching to a new blog to document the adventures of the entire Olson family!

TMI!

As of about 15 minutes ago (1:30 p.m. on Saturday, July 30th), we're officially starting to lose our mucus plug!  (Yeah, gross, I know . . . you should have seen Kelly's face when our doctor asked about it at our appointment yesterday! Ha!)  Thank goodness for the little signs of progress to focus on or I'd be going CRAZY over here!  C'mon Brooklyn!  We are SO excited to meet you little one!  =]

Progress?

We had another appointment this morning!  (Surprise surprise . . . appointments are definitely NOT in short supply these days!)  Up until now, we've seen no sign of progress.  Wednesday evening though, I was having semi-regular contractions for about three hours and then they eased off.  Late last night, I was having period-like cramps that continued on through this morning.  And at our appointment this morning, we were 1 cm. dilated, 50% effaced, and cervix was soft!  Also, since we're past our due date now, they hooked us up to the monitor for 20 minutes to see how miss Brooklyn was doing.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE listening to her little heartbeat!  Plus, in those 20 minutes, the monitor recorded four contractions!  I'm not going to lie, I'm a little impatient that we're now past our due date, but it's so exciting to be seeing progress!  I can't wait to meet this little peanut and, one way or another, it won't be long now!  If she hasn't come on her own by our appointment next Wednesday, we'll be talking induction!  Fingers crossed for this weekend!  =]

40 weeks?!

I do apologize for the delayed update here.  A lot has definitely happend since I last posted and I do plan to update you on all of it! 

On July 6th, we hit 37 weeks which is officially considered full term!  Also, at our appointment that day, my blood pressure was elevated, so my doctor put me on a medication called Metaprolol to help keep my blood pressure in check.  I started taking 50 mg two times a day.  One week later, on July 13th, my blood pressure was still elevated at our 38-week appointment so my doctor admitted me to the hospital for a ton of labs (the insides of my elbows are still bruised) and a 24-hour urine collection to test for pre-eclampsia.  We seriously thought we were going to get induced and be bringing home a baby at 38 weeks!

However, my labs and blood pressure were staying just stable enough that they let me go home on bed rest.  As of today (which is officially 39 weeks and 6 days), we are still at home on bed rest, taking Metaprolol twice a day, and checking my blood pressure two to three times a day.  We've been having appointments every four days since my blood pressure initially became a concern and I started my maternity leave when I was admitted to the hospital at 38 weeks.  As of our appointment at 10:45 this morning, my cervix is still high and closed, so my body isn't really giving any indication that we'll be going into labor spontaneously any time soon.  Of course, stranger things have happened, but we're not holding our breath. 

In case you were wondering, I am finally sporting a baby bump!  I don't think people who see me think that I'm quite as far along as I am, but at least I'm definitely finally sporting a baby bump!  This is what Miss Brooklyn and I look like at pretty much 40 weeks!

Another exciting development is that we were finally able to take maternity pictures!  We took those on Tuesday, July 5th.  They're still in the editing process, but one of my definite favorites from our shoot that day is already of Brooklyn and her daddy. =]

So.  Now we continue to play the waiting game.  Mommy is definitely getting impatient and daddy is ready to have three weeks off from work!  We're really hoping that this week is the week because we can't wait to meet our little peanut!

Baby Showers

Alright, I'm not even sure how to go about this blog post . . . to properly express the extreme gratitude and thankfulness that Kelly, Brooklyn, and I have in regards to everyone's amazing generosity.  I honestly don't think I'm going to be capable of doing it justice, but I'm going to do my best.

As I type this, it is currently June 10th.  Rewind five days and go back to Sunday, June 5th.  I knew that on June 5th my aunts (my dad's four sisters) were going to be throwing us a baby shower at 2 p.m. at a local church.  That much I knew.  There was so much about that day that I didn't know though, so many things that took me by complete and utter shock . . . first off, let me recap the baby shower that my aunts threw for us, and then I'll do my best at to do justice to the rest.

My dad is one of five children and the only male.  Every time one of the nieces or nephews has their first baby, the aunts throw a baby shower for them.  Needless to say, it was our turn. =] I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was an absolutely amazing experience!  It started at 2 p.m. and I think my mom, my sister, and I ended up leaving at about 6:30.  My aunt Debbie did devotions and then a whole slew of little girls (six of them I believe - Evie, Kaydence, Abby, Bailey, Acacia, and Shelby) ranging in age from six to three, got up front and sang for us.  They sang, "Baa Baa Black Sheep," "The ABCs," and "I'm a Little Teapot."  I think there was one more song as well, but I can't remember what it was off-hand!  If I remember, I'll come back and edit this. =]

My cousin Shari was in charge of games.  The first game that was explained to us was the diaper pin game.  Every guest was given a little diaper pin necklace to wear.  If someone said the word, "baby," another guest could take their necklace away and whoever had the most necklaces at the end won a prize!  Along with that, there were three other paper and pencil games, including "Name that Tune!" and "Match the celebrity to their baby!"

We received so many wonderful gifts!  And let me tell you, this little girl is dressed until she is five!  We are so grateful to everyone that attended to celebrate little Brooklyn with us!  And we are SO excited to put all these wonderful gifts to good use!

Allow me to give you a few photo recaps of the event. =] Well, kind of I guess . . . I had every intention of bringing our camera along and then completely spaced! (Baby brain? Can I blame it on that?) I currently don't have any pictures of the actual event in my possession, but I did ask my aunt who was taking pictures if she'd be willing to send me copies and she said she would, I just don't have them yet.  So the pictures I have here are pictures of mementos from the shower that I took after we got home. =]

Shower balloons!

Adorable 'sock roses' that my brother's girlfriend makes!

Kelly's step-mom insisted upon being the one to get Brooklyn her very first doll. =] It chirps!

Brooklyn's bassinet that doubles as a changing table (also from Kelly's step-mom)!  We've even already got it stocked with newborn diapers and wipes! =]

Along with that, we received three diaper cakes!  I wish I had taken a picture of at least one of them to add her, but I dismantled them to get everything organized before I thought of it. =C There were also a lot of home-made gifts!  My parents attend church with quite a few very crafty ladies and Brooklyn received quite a few hand-made blankets!  One in particular is one that my mom commissioned from the Ladies Aid at their church.  It's a little yellow quilt based on the Dick and Jane readers from yonder years. =] 

Another gift that deserves note (although, quite honestly, they ALL deserve note) was a very sentimental gift from my mother that contained items from my baby days, including a little red dress, a hand-made activity book that one of my great aunts had made for me, a Precious Moments bible, and a plaque.  The plaque was in every one of mine and my siblings' nurseries and I remember reading it time and time again when it had moved on to my younger siblings' nurseries. In the background, it has a picture of a mother holding her baby and, in the foreground, it has the following verse:

"Cleaning & scrubbing

can wait 'til tomorrow,

For babies grow up,

we've learned to our sorrow . . .

So quiet down, cobwebs.

Dust, go to sleep . . .

I'm rocking my baby,

and babies don't keep."

- 1958, Ruth Hamilton

~~~

I knew that my aunts were throwing us a baby shower.  I did NOT, however, know what www.aywas.com had in the works.  I think I've mentioned Aywas here before.  The site opened up in October of 2009 and I've been active since day one.  Throughout our struggle with infertility and our subsequent pregnancy, I have been very open with our journey to parenthood there:  the trials, the tears, the heartbreak . . . the excitement, the miracle.  The community, even though there are now well over 20,000 users, is very intimate and amazing.  

I logged on to my account on the morning of June 5th to discover that Slash (the site owner) had proclaimed that June 5th was 'Babby Day' on-site in regards to the fact that June 5th was also the day that my aunts were throwing the other baby shower!

I don't think I can do it justice, so allow me to post snippets from the news post on-site:

"Today is Babby Day, where we celebrate all the mothers and fathers who have brought life into this world. Life is a beautiful thing, and we haven't done anything to appreciate it - but now we will.

But first, before we get into what items and pets are available for today, I want to tell you something. In the first few months of Aywas existence, I came across a rant thread made by Springdragon. In it, he told the Aywas community that his cat needed an operation, and that he didn't have the money - so the cat was going to die. Upon seeing that, I decided to run an event to raise money for Springdragon so that his cat may live. By selling some custom-colored hybrids, we raised the money. Springdragon's cat is still with him, and Springdragon's life was changed by all of those who participated. Our community had the power to do this.

See, our site is not like the others. We read the forum threads and care about the people behind the accounts. One of our users, Dana, has kept the Aywas community informed of a tragic situation throughout the year and a half Aywas has been online - she has PCOS, a reproductive disease that kept her from conceiving. But months later, something amazing happened: with the right medical attention, she was able to conceive a baby, no matter how much it seemed she would not be able to. But her fight is not over. In rant threads, she has told the community there are financial problems in her life that will make her and her husband's life tough.

Just like with Springdragon, our community has the power to help her, as she has helped the community. Our goal, beyond all other things, is to help people. We are not a faceless company that only cares about money. We are a family, a community, and when one of our community members needs our help, and the time is right that we can offer it, we help. 

Can we help everyone? No - we would go broke, and we would be unable to help anyone. However, if we can help one person, then we're reaching our goal. If we can help two, that is even better. In the future, we'll help three. Four. Five. Making a difference in the lives of a few people is a huge part of what we stand for. It is what makes us different. It is what makes our community special and caring. We are a family, and we help each other.

Today is about honoring the parents onsite. All of you are special, and have brought life into the world - or are about to, and that's a beautiful thing. We chose today for Babby Day, the day that Dana told the Aywas community she'd have her baby shower, but this day is about all of us.

...

One [on-site item] costs $25.00 via PayPal, and upon submitting your transaction, you will get a Pacifier item to submit your custom. The customs are "metal-only," no lineart changes. Why is it cash only? Half of the proceeds will be given to Dana, to help her, like we did for Springdragon, and half of the proceeds will be given to the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Association, Inc. so that we can reach beyond our community and help as many people as we can, no matter how small our contribution may be. Anyone who purchases one of these customs will know they made a difference in the life of one fellow member, and in the lives of many unknown people that deserve their help."

~~~~~

Even now, five days later, I still struggle to wrap my head around this.  Money has always been tight and I've often used Aywas as a resource to garner ideas on how we can work towards putting away the money we need to survive while I take a few weeks off from work after Brooklyn's birth.  We've been saving, we've been trying really hard . . . but even with our best attempts, the amount of time that I would have been able to take off has gotten shorter and shorter as our finances just aren't cutting it to where they need to be for me to able to afford to take off work.

Obviously, this is no longer an issue.  We can afford it now.  Thanks to Aywas.

And what struck me even more than the assistance to us was the donation that was going to be made to the PCOS Association.  PCOS is such a poorly understood, under-recognized, and emotionally devastating syndrome.  It makes me so incredibly happy that because of Slash and Aywa's generosity, that other women who suffer from PCOS may be able to recognize the disease and get the medical assistance that they need to control it before they suffer as much emotional pain and feelings of worthlessness as I did in the three plus years that we were trying to conceive.

I know I've said it before, but it deserves to be said again a thousand times over.  Thank you SO MUCH to Slash and the Aywas community!  There aren't even words to demonstrate how grateful that we are!

3-d Ultrasound Pictures!

Okay, I decided to give these pictures their own post as well. =] As I mentioned in the previous blog post, we were able to go in on May 26th and have a 3-d ultrasound.  This gets a little complicated, but bear with me.  Kelly's step-brother's brother-in-law is the head ultrasound technician at the hospital that we've been doctoring at.  He offered for us to come in and have a 3-d ultrasound that he could claim as a practice ultrasound.  Meaning, we didn't end up paying anything for it!

He tried really, really hard to get us a good picture, but, as I mentioned in the last post, 28 weeks is the optimum time to have a 3-d ultrasound.  Once the babies start getting bigger than 28 weeks, it gets a bit more crowded in there and it's more difficult to get a good picture.  It was still an amazingly fun opportunity and it was definitely fun to get to see little Brooklyn's face!  Plus, he confirmed for us one more time that she is indeed still a girl!  Not that we didn't trust the first ultrasound technician from our 20-week scan, it's just reassuring to hear the same thing again so that we can feel a little more confidant in our pink-amassing. =]

I apologize for the not-so-great quality of these pictures.  It would have been better if I had scanned them; however, the scanner is very put away at the moment and I really didn't want to drag it out so I took pictures of the pictures instead.

I can't wait to meet you little one! =] Mommy and Daddy already love you VERY, VERY much!

33 Weeks!

Okay . . . so 33 weeks and 1 day actually . . . I'm not the most prompt person in the world.  And I actually have two blog posts to make today.  I'm going to use this one to focus on the health-related aspects of where we're at pregnancy-wise and then I'm going to make another one (because it deserves it's own post) that encompasses the generosity of a lot of different people!  I have about 20 minutes before I have to leave for work, so I'm going to do this health-related one now, and then check back some time after 11 p.m. CST for the other. =]

First, let's play the 'how big is mommy now!' game. =] Wearing the right clothes, I can still pass as just having consumed far too many twinkies, but it's definitely getting harder to hide the fact that I'm pregnant.  Not that I'm trying to hide it mind you, I've been looking forward to sporting this baby bump since we first saw that elusive second line waaay back on November 17th!

Backing up a bit, the screening for gestational diabetes came back WONDERFULLY!  Blood sugars ended up being a whopping 114 at the one-hour mark and 'normal' is considered anything below 140.  Whoot!  We were DEFINITELY excited about that! =]

On May 11th though, Mommy ended up having a strange bout of dizziness and went in to urgent care at the phone nurse's promptings.  The urgent care doctor that she saw was AWESOME!  They ran an EKG along with a large number of blood tests and blood pressure monitorings to see what may have been the cause.  The tests came back inconclusive.  After that day, Mommy has been experiencing shortness of breath and a racing heart roughly 3 or 4 times a day.  She brought it up at her next appointment with her ob/gyn on May 18th and her doctor informed her that the shortness of breath may be typical with third-trimester pregnancy; however, the racing heart is not.  So she referred me to an internal medicine doctor and I went back for another appointment on May 19th to visit with him.  He felt that the symptoms I was having were highly likely related back to my asthma not being as well-controlled as I thought it was.  He sent in a script to get my inhalers replaced and ordered a 24-hour Holter heart monitor and an echocardiogram as well, just to be sure that we weren't overlooking anything heart-related.

I got the results back from the Holter monitor on Monday of this week.  The monitor detected no abnormal heartbeats or arrhythmias (yay!); however, it did detect a notably high heart rate 37% of the time.  This, as the doctor put on the note, could again, be attributed to my asthma.  We just went in this past Monday (June 6th) for the echocardiogram and we haven't heard results back on that yet but, for the most part, Mommy's been feeling okay.

Weight wise, Mommy weighed herself this morning and is currently up about four pounds from her pre-prego weight.  At 33 weeks, that's basically NOTHING.  Brooklyn herself probably weighs about four pounds herself at this point, not to mention the weight of increased blood flowing through Mommy's circulatory system and increased uterus size!

Another not-so-fun symptom that Mommy has discovered is pelvic pain!  It kicked into high gear a few days ago and it definitely hurts to walk right about now! 

Also, some very fun things that Mommy and Daddy got to do!  On May 26th, we were able to go in for a 3-d ultrasound!  The ultrasound technician had a difficult time getting a good picture of her little face because 3-d ultrasounds are best done at about 28 weeks and we were at 31 weeks at the time.  This means that Brooklyn was starting to get a little crowded in there and the 3-d ultrasounds turn out best when they're mostly surrounded by fluid.  We did get four take-home pictures though!  I will be editing this post and uploading them as soon as I get home from work. =] Also, at the echocardiogram on Monday (which happened to be performed by the same ultrasound technician as the 3-d scan), he let us take another look at her after the echo was over. =] She's not moving around too much in there (she's pretty well crammed into a head down position already), but he zoomed in on her little face and we were able to see her tongue moving in her mouth!  Definitely amazing!

We are soooo excited to meet this beautiful little girl!  48 days from today until our due date! =] 

Check back in a few hours to see the 3-d ultrasound photos and the second blog post! =]

Third trimester!

Yep!  That's right!  We've officially hit the third trimester.  =]  As I type this, little Brooklyn is now 27 weeks and  5 days along, weighing in at roughly two pounds (as my week-by-week updates tell me).  Mommy is baaaarely showing at this point and, with the right wardrobe, it's still definitely easily hidden.

Weight gain is up a whopping two pounds last I checked.  We go in tomorrow for our 28-week appointment and Mommy gets screened for gestational diabetes.  Eek!  Wish us luck!  I feel that it could go either way, I've had one heck of a sweet tooth for the better part of this pregnancy and I know that I've indulged far more often than I should!  We're just keeping our fingers crossed that we don't have to do injections, because Daddy would definitely have to do them!  Mommy has a very slight phobia of needles and would have a VERY difficult time having to give herself shots every day!

The nursery is starting to take shape (as it has been for the past two months . . . I may have mentioned this already).  We don't have much to move in yet, but through the very kind generosity of many people, Brooklyn does have a fairly extensive wardrobe all the way up to size 5T already!  The newborn and 0 - 3 month clothing has been neatly organized and tucked away into her closet and everything else has been organized, tucked into totes, labelled, and moved down to the basement for the time being.

The baby shower has been tentatively set for June 5th.  Mommy doesn't have many more details than that at this point, but she has requested that weekend off from work!  Which is definitely a step in the right direction. Speaking of work, only two and half more weeks of working seventy hours a week!  Whoot!  The preschool school year ends on May 20th and then Mommy will finally be able to get some rest back into her schedule again.  =]  Mommy still hasn't told Wal-mart about Brooklyn yet, but that's the plan for some time this week!  Perhaps on Wednesday.  Better to get the leave of absence paperwork filed before it's too obvious . . . although I'm starting to wonder if it's ever going to get seriously obvious!

Oh!  Another fun development.  We can now see little Brooklyn move from the OUTSIDE!  About a week ago, Daddy and Mommy went to bed and while Daddy was reading us our bedtime story, Mommy looked down at her belly and noticed that it was lopsided!  Apparently little miss Brooklyn was hanging out on Mommy's right side that night and it definitely looked a little strange.  =]

Also, just a shout out to anyone reading this that has contributed to our baby experience.  THANK YOU!  There have been SO MANY kind people in regards to donating clothes, formula, support, etc. that I don't think that I could even possibly name them all!  Just please know that Mommy, Daddy, and most of all, little Brooklyn, THANK YOU for your support as we embark on this new adventure in our lives. =]

And, with that (as Brooklyn is trying to kick the laptop off of my lap) we wish you all a wonderful good night. =] We will keep you posted!

24 weeks!

So.  Yeah.  It's been a little while again.  But there really hasn't been too much to report.  Our beautiful baby is still growing and kicking.  Our 24-week appointment on Tuesday, April 5th (which also happened to be daddy's 28th birthday!) measured the heartbeat in the 150s (same as always!) and fundal height at 24 centimeters . . . which is right on target of where it should be!

Mommy and daddy finally got their rears in gear and went to Target and set up a registry. =] That was fun . . . although daddy spent most of his time there looking for camouflage items to add.  There wasn't much, but what he could find definitely ended up on the registry!  There were a few moments where he looked at me and said, a pair of overtly camouflage shorts in hand, "Do you think this is too boyish?"  I couldn't help but just smile at him and tell him, "Nah.  We'll pair it with a pink onesie."

We've almost got the nursery ready to start moving things in to.  All we have left to move out is two large bookshelves and they'll be going into our room once we find the energy to tackle them.  We've started move in what few baby things we have.  Quite a few newborn and 0-3 month clothing items have been unpacked, folded, and moved into a dresser in the closet.  Everything that we currently have that's larger than that is packed up in totes in the basement.  Oh!  And it's currently 46 degrees outside.  I think that means it's officially spring!  Which also means that GARAGE SALE season should start soon!  I can't wait to go baby girl shopping over the next couple of months!

Mommy still isn't showing much.  On one hand, I'm grateful, since that's just less time that I get to be uncomfortable.  But on the other hand, I'm a little envious of those women with their beautiful baby bumps!  I can't wait to sport mine!  To prove my point, here's a (roughly) 24-week belly picture that I took this morning:

Yes, there has definitely been some changes since the first few pictures I posted, but, I'm still at the point where anyone who didn't know that I was pregnant wouldn't suspect a thing just by looking at me!  My doctor swears I'll start bumping out by 28 weeks . . . but she said that I would probably start showing by my 24-week appointment as well, and that didn't happen.  So we shall see!

Mommy has been extra tired lately.  We're not in the best financial place, so we realized shortly after we got pregnant that there was no way we would be able to survive on a single income for six weeks.  Meaning, Mommy is now working two jobs in an effort to put aside money for this summer.  I spend my days at the Head Start and most of my evenings cashiering at Wal-mart now.  This means loooong days.  I put in four 14-hour days this week!  Sleeping in DEFINITELY felt glorious this morning!

It will only be this way until the school year ends though and then my schedule at the Head Start will be much more flexible and forgiving.  Only forty more days of a crazy schedule!  I'm tempted to break out the construction paper and make a paper chain so I can count them down!  But it will definitely all be worth it in the end.  Being able to take those six weeks off and NOT worry one bit about finances will be wonderful and we'll be able to focus all our attention on this beautiful little life that has graced ours!  Daddy has a fair amount of PTO saved up as well, so he's going to be able to take three or four weeks off as well.  I'm so excited for that time right after Brooklyn is born!

One other interesting happenstance that I wanted to bring up was weight gain.  Or lack thereof.  I was certain by now I'd be at least starting to pack on the pounds (we're almost to end of the second trimester!) but nope. I weighed myself this morning and was still down three or four pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight.  I'm honestly starting to wonder if I'm going to come out of this pregnancy weighing LESS than I went into it weighing!  It doesn't matter one way or the other to me, it just surprises me that this is the one time in my life when I honestly EXPECTED to gain weight . . . and so far, nothing!

21 weeks!

Yep!  We've made it to 21 weeks! =] Strangers still definitely aren't going to look at me and know I'm pregnant or anything, but that's okay.  Weight gain is still nil, but I'm guessing that will catch up with me at some point as well.

I'll bet you're dying to know how our gender/anatomy scan went, eh?  Stick cooperated!  And the verdict is . . . dun dun dun . . . she's all girl baby! =] Somewhere between our scan last Tuesday and a few days ago, we finally finished hashing out the name details and I'm proud to say that she also has a name!  Brooklyn Leah Harper Olson.  And we're already both incredibly in love with her. =]

We were able to walk away from the gender/anatomy scan with two pictures.  One is your standard, "It's a girl!" picture and then also one of straight-on shot of her face. =] 

The second picture is a little hard to navigate, but just follow the arrow. =] We do have a few more pictures from the ultrasound as well, but I haven't gotten a copy of them quite yet so I'll make a new post as soon as I get them. =]

Heartbeat was 152 and she was measuring at 19 weeks, 5 days!  I can't wait to meet our beautiful baby!

Daddy thinks he was able to feel her move for the first time yesterday as well!  I had his hand on my belly when she was being super active and she gave two good, hard kicks while his hand was there. =]  I'm able to feel her move daily now!  It's such an awesome feeling, I don't think I could EVER get sick of it!

We've also started on the nursery!  Right now it's mostly just moving stuff out in an attempt to actually have a place to put things when we start getting nursery furniture.  All that's left in the to-be nursery now are two large bookshelves that we need to move into our bedroom.  For the time being, we have one of those plastic Sterilite dresser/storage containers and that's what we're going to be storing her clothes in.  It's already in the closet and stashed with as many newborn and 0-3 months clothes as we have for her yet. =] And, happily, we actually have quite a few! Daddy's step-brother and his wife have a 5-year-old girl and a 2-year-old boy and they've set up a pretty neat system where they just saved all their baby/toddler clothes and borrow them out to whoever they know that's having a baby between family/friends/etc.  So we were able to look through four GIANT totes of clothes and already have quite the assortment all the way up to 9 months!  Everything for 0 - 3 months and newborns is in her closet and the bigger stuff has been sorted and is stashed away in totes in our basement for when she starts growing into them. =]

Also, another VERY exciting gift that we couldn't be more thankful for . . . my closest friend asked me on Monday what we needed most for Brooklyn.  I told her diapers and/or wipes because I know they're already going to be the bane of our financial existence for awhile.  And what shows up in the mile today?  A GIANT box of 276 size 1 diapers and nearly 400 wipes!  Holy crap!  I'm guessing we're probably set for the first two months or so by now!  Brooklyn says, "Thank you so much Aunty Heather!" =]

Movement!

I just wanted to share a quick milestone. =] I've felt Stick move before, but NOTHING like last night!  I think Stick may have been throwing a party last night!  For about five minutes, I just sat there in awe of this little person moving like crazy inside of me!  It was such an AWESOME feeling!

Also, something else that I wanted to document lest I forget later on, at about 16 weeks, I was researching and discovered that that's the point in a pregnancy in which baby's ear bones are forming which means baby is starting to hear!  I told Kelly this, and since then, he has insisted upon reading Stick a bedtime story each night.  I love it!  He's just as in love with this new little life as I am!

Headaches subdued for a week or so, and now they're back full force.  Blech.  I've been getting them daily again, regardless of how much water I drink.  I went home from work yesterday with a killer migraine and am still home today because I just couldn't shake and, now that the headache's mostly gone, I'm feeling queasier than I have in a long time.  Blech.  I did realize last night though, that we're now almost halfway through the second trimester!  I can't believe how quickly the time has gone since we passed that 12-week mark!  A few more days and we'll officially be halfway there!

We're trying to plan for this summer, but so far, it's not going so hot.  I'm going to be off work without pay for probably two months, and, quite honestly, we're barely getting the bills paid now with both of our incomes.  I'm trying to get a second part-time job so that we can start squirreling away funds for the summer, but so far, it hasn't been going so well.  I'm just hoping that everything works out!  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we can manage to find away to afford living those first two months!  After that, we should be fine, it's just to get through to September when I'll start working again.  Uff-da.  Money is definitely a stresser!

Four more days until we find out whether Stick is going to a boy or a girl!  Hopefully Stick cooperates with us on Tuesday!

Oh!  And as far as weight gain goes, I'm starting to put some weight back on, but I'm still a pound or two shy of my pre-pregnancy weight.  The scale read in at 204 this morning and I was a pretty consistent 205 before we got pregnant.  I've read that usually, 1/3 of the weight should be gained by week 20 and the remaining 2/3 should be gained in the second half of pregnancy.  Hmmm.  For some reason, I don't think that's going to be the case for me and Stick!

18 weeks! =]

So.  Where to start.  I know I haven't been the most diligent about keeping updated over here and, for that, I do apologize.

First off, symptom of trimester number two appears to be . . . -drumroll please- . . . migraine headaches!  From about week 15 to week 17, I had some sort of headache on a near-daily basis.  Two of them progressed into full-blown migraines, which was definitely no fun.  But, I've been headache free since Saturday!  So I'm hoping that means Stick and I are growing out of the migraines now. =]

Our 16-week appointment was short and sweet.  We got to hear Stick's heartbeat again and had the quad screening done.  For those of you who don't know what a quad screening is, it's a simple blood test that assesses our risk for genetic deformities.  It's usually administered around 16 weeks.  We go the letter in the mail from our OB a few days ago that everything looks NORMAL!  Go Stick! =]

Our twenty week appointment and gender/anatomy scan are both scheduled for Tuesday, March 8th!  That means, in approximately 11 days, we'll know whether little Stick is a boy or a girl!  Then we can give Stick a real name . . . once we get our real name choices figured out. XD

I have some other updates as well, but I'm short on time at the moment, so I'll check back in within the next couple of days to fill you guys in on everything else that's going on. =]

And, of course, here's your 18 week belly picture!  I still don't look any different with clothes on, but it's pretty inarguable that I'm definitely getting thicker these days!  I'm hoping I'll 'pop' soon so I can sport that baby belly! =]

Oh!  And I got a haircut on Monday!  I was able to donate 13 inches!  Whoot!

14 weeks!

I do apologize for the lack of updates.  I have a good excuse, I promise.

About halfway through week eleven, I started coughing and it got progressively worse and worse.  At just after 13 weeks (i.e., last Thursday), I gave up on getting better on my own and went in to the doctor's office (even though I had just been there the previous Wednesday) and received a diagnosis of bronchitis and a prescription for antibiotics.  Of course, my first dose of antibiotics made me sick to my stomach and I then proceeded spend the evening throwing up. I ended up missing an entire week of work because I couldn't breathe/function.  Thankfully, I finished the antibiotics on Monday and I'm now feeling somewhat better, even though I'm still not 100%.  The cough is still lingering, but everything that went with it is pretty well resolved by this point and the cough is getting better on a daily basis.

So, again, I apologize for the lack of updates, but I thought I was dying over the past couple of weeks and have just recently returned to the land of the living.

So, minus the bronchitis, what else exciting has happened over the past couple of weeks?

On January 12th, we had our 12-week appointment and had the amazing privilege of hearing Stick's heartbeat on Doppler for the first time.  One week later, on January 19th, we successfully reached the end of the first trimester and begin our journey into the second one!

Symptoms have pretty well disappeared by this point; however, from what I understand, that's pretty normal upon starting the second trimester. I'm just glad the nausea's gone!  I mean, I know I didn't have it all that bad, but I'm a baby myself when it comes to being sick.

We're still weighing in lower than my pre-pregnancy weight; however, considering this is a plus size pregnancy and we're only a week into the second trimester as I type this, I'm not too concerned about it.  Starting weight was 205 and when I weighed myself last week (mind you, I was sick) I was weighing in at 197.  Tonight when I weighed myself after supper, we were at about 203.  I haven't gained six pounds in a week though, the 197 was a morning weight on an empty stomach and I'm sure water weight has varied mightily over the past week or so as well since I've gone from being horribly ill to almost completely functional again. =]

I know we're a few weeks behind on belly pics, but we're just going to have to deal with it.  When I look in the mirror, I still don't see a change, but as I'm glancing through the pictures, I am thinking that perhaps I'm starting to see a small one.  Definitely no bump yet, but thicker I think.  If you look back at the pictures, my pajama pants are covering up the lower part of my belly up until about my belly button, so what you really see in the pictures is everything belly button up.  Without further adieu, here's what Stick and I look like at week 14!

After my appointment on the 12th, we stopped by Wal-mart and they happened to have holiday baby clothes on sale for $0.75 a piece.  Not even exaggerating, a whole whopping three quarters!  So, naturally, we splurged and spent a whole $1.50 on baby clothes. =] They're pretty stinking cute though if I do say so myself!  I've included three images here.  One of them together and then a close-up of the words on each of them. =] I apologize for the flash washing out some of the images a bit, but that's what I get for trying to take pictures at 11 p.m. when there's 0 natural lighting! 

And with that, this mommy-to-be is definitely heading to bed.  Two more days of work this week until I get to hit the weekend! 8D

11 Weeks (+1 Day!)

That's right!  11 weeks and 1 day today!  Because I'm cool like that and never quite manage to get things done on time. =]

I weighed myself this afternoon and I'm still checking in at a steady 205, which was my pre-pregnancy weight.  Which means I haven't gained anything yet.  Considering that I started at 205 though, not gaining anything in the first trimester is just fine!

If you look at this weeks belly pic. though, I'm starting to think that maybe I do look just the tiniest bit fluffier! From what I've read, at about 12 weeks is usually when the uterus gets big enough to start raising out of the pelvic cavity.  So, hopefully there will be some real changes soon! =]

On a side note . . . those spiffy pajama pants?  My husband's.  He got them for a Christmas present and they're sooooo soft that I steal them once in a while.

Symptoms have definitely kicked it up a notch over the past couple of weeks.  Morning sickness kicked in about week nine and, usually, I'm able to keep it at bay, but I've had a few rounds of hovering over the toilet. Surprisingly, some days, the only thing I'm able to keep down (like today), is fast food!  I know that's hardly the healthiest thing for me and Stick, but I assume a burger is better than NOTHING all day.  At least the burger has protein and some veggies and stuff on it, whereas nothing . . . has nothing.  This evening, I've been feeling pretty good.  I ended up going home early from work today though because I had a KILLER headache throughout the day.  A short, three-hour nap upon arrive home plus two Tylenol seemed to have done the trick though and I'm functional again!

I've heard that 10 weeks is supposed to be the worst in terms of unpleasant, first-trimester symptoms and we're quickly closing in on the end of that though, so I'm hoping this feeling good tonight starts showing up a lot more often! =]

Our next prenatal appointment is quickly closing in as well!  Next Wednesday we'll be visiting Dr. Clark for our second prenatal appointment and, hopefully, we'll get the opportunity to hear Stick's little heartbeat on the Dopplar!  From what I understand, they're typically audible through Dopplar by week 12, so, fingers crossed!  I'll keep you posted! =]

10 Weeks! (+1 Day)

Sorry I'm a day late peeps. =] I'm also short on time, so all I'm going to give you is the quick ten-week belly pic and then I'll be back later to give some other updates. =]

Nine weeks! =]

We're doing Christmas at my hubby's mom's today, two sets of grandparent's tomorrow, at an uncle's on Saturday, and at my parent's on Thursday with two other Christmases still not quite on the calendar as far as dates go.  So life is a little crazy right now!

And so (only a day late, although the picture WAS taken yesterday!), I present to you the nine-week belly pic. =] Still no baby bump, still don't even look prego for that matter, but hey, it's kind of fun to document anyways and hopefully, in a few weeks, it will be a little easier to see that there is indeed a 'Stick' growing in there. =]

Now, with that, off to finish helping my mother-in-law cook supper!  Can't wait for the shrimp and scallops!  =]  I hope you're all having a very joyous holiday season!

Time Warp!

Sorry for the delayed posting, the last week has been crazy!  I haven't had a chance to sit down with my laptop for more than a few minutes since probably the last time I posted in here!

I'm going to rewind a  little bit here back to last Wednesday at my appointment. =] The appointment went well, even though I was RIDICULOUSLY nervous!  Along with giving me a substantial amount of literature (including an entire BOOK that went through the stages of pregnancy step by step), my ob/gyn performed an internal exam and said that everything felt right on par for about eight weeks, which, based on the date of my last menstrual period, would be about right.  I tried to inform her that I knew that I hadn't ovulated until CD21 so she ordered an ultrasound for me so we could see how far along Stick really was!

So we called and scheduled an ultrasound and were able to get that in for last Friday at 3 p.m.  If I thought I was nervous for the appointment . . . that wasn't even a shadow of how nervous I was for the ultrasound!  All I could think about was how there HAD to be a heartbeat, there just HAD to!  I nearly started crying at the beginning because nothing that was showing up on screen in the first couple frames looked anything like there was even a baby in there.  Thankfully, that was just me being paranoid and impatient.  Indeed there WAS a baby in there, one (just one though!) that even had a little heartbeat of 165 beats per minute!  And, even more than that, was measuring at 8w and 2d as opposed to the 7w and 4d that I thought we were at!  So, we time warped ahead a little bit and basically skipped an entire week!  Instead of just hitting 8 weeks today like I had originally thought, we're almost at NINE weeks now!  HOLY BROCCOLI!  Which means we've hit a bit of a time warp and fast-forwarded the pregnancy by FIVE WHOLE DAYS!

Also, because you're dying to see him/her, allow me to introduce to you, the beautiful, long-anticipated, little Stick!  I've never seen a more beautiful little tadpole in my entire life. =] For the first time in over a month, I'm actually start to a feel a little confident that maybe things will turn out all right in the end for us. =]

Along with today now being 8 weeks 5 days instead of just 8 weeks, that also means I'm going to start taking my belly pics on Wednesdays instead of Mondays.  Check back on Wednesday for my nine-week belly pic!  It still looks quite a bit the same, but if you could poke my lower belly (not a chance, unless you're my husband), the texture has changed quite a bit and I can actually feel my uterus growing down there!  I can't WAIT to sport a little baby belly!  =]  I'm so excited for that!

Along with Stick's debut, apparently the fabulous Mrs. Morris sent a TWO-part gift!  Along with the items that I posted last Monday, we received a SECOND box a few days later with even MORE items in it!  HOLY CRAP!

The second box contained a 12-pack of cloth diapers and a package of pacifier keepers!  Although, I must admit that we were a little confused by the cloth diapers at first.  Our intention all along has NOT been to use cloth diapers so we felt a little awful and ungrateful when we opened them, kind of giving each other that 'What the heck are we supposed to do with these?' stare.  I mean, it's certainly NOT that we don't appreciate the gift, we just weren't quite sure what we were going to do with it.  Thankfully though, one of us (I don't even remember which), had the sense to look at the packing slip.  That was definitely an AHA moment!  Mrs. Morris had specifically written in there that cloth diapers were actually the best burp rags that one could find.  Now THAT made a lot more sense and made us a feel a lot better about things.  THOSE we will USE!  Hehe.  Again, I cannot even begin to thank you enough Mrs. Morris for your contribution to this newest stage in our lives!  Rest assured that I will post pictures of "Stick" and these items for you next summer!  Well, minus the burp rags and the diapers . . . unless you really want to see him/her burping or pooping. XD

Another exciting delivery last week!  My hubby's step-mom had ordered me maternity clothes for my birthday from J.C. Penney's!  They all arrived last week!  Of course, I don't really need them yet, but some of my clothes (especially anything that goes across the boob area), is getting a bit more fitted, so I've been wearing them here and there, just for fun, even though I really probably don't need them yet.  I must say though, holy cow are maternity jeans COMFORTABLE!  

Symptoms haven't changed too much, nausea increased a little bit over the past week or so, along with a three-day headache (ouch!), but it's been pretty well back to normal the past two days or so.  The girls are still painfully tender and I could probably win some serious contests with my burping abilities the past week or so (my husband complimented me on my 'hang time' on a burp yesterday -_-).

And that's about all she wrote! =] Check back on Wednesday for the nine-week belly pic!  My next prenatal appointment is scheduled for January 12th at 3:30 p.m. and, according to my (new) calculations, we should be at exactly 12 weeks that day!  Oh!  And just a few other updates from my visit with my ob-gyn, the way she laid out the schedule, we'll be getting one appointment a month until we hit the 24-week mark.  At that point, they'll change to every two weeks until week 36, and then they'll be weekly!  Also, she pretty much gave me the go-ahead to eat w/e I wanted (minus drugs, alcohol, and shark) as long as it's in moderation!  Which I thought was pretty sweet. =] Although she did point out that caffeine dehydrates a body, so for any caffeine that I do choose to indulge in, just be sure to drink the same amount of water to balance it out!  I'm beginning to like her more and more. =]

Seven weeks!

That's right!  We've hit another milestone!  Seven weeks and Stick is STILL living up to his/her namesake!  Grow Stick, grow!

As promised, I was good and actually took a belly pic for you guys this week (as opposed to last week when I had the cold from SATAN and was essentially non-functioning).  Still no baby belly, but I do wonder if I'm starting to look a little 'thicker'.  My weight still essentially has not changed from pre-pregnancy (which is just fine, considering this is essentially a plus-sized pregnancy!).  Although I do think that weight is redistributing a bit!  I must say, it is getting more and more difficult to keep 'side boob' out of the picture because there's more to cover up these days!  Anyhow, without further adieu, here is my 'essentially not changed much at all' seven week belly pic! =]

Oh! Oh!  And I got some fun things in the mail today that I wanted to share with you! =] I lady from one of the websites I frequent has a little girl and was kind enough to send Stick and I a gift!  I still don't know what motivated her to do so, but I am very excited and very thankful for it!  It was definitely like Christmas getting that box in the mail today because I knew it was coming, but I had no idea what was in it!  Very practical gifts but I couldn't be more excited about them!

In the back, you see a box of 124 Pampers Newborn diapers.  They go to 10 pounds, and quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if that's all we're going to need in that size for Stick!  If s/he's anything like his/her daddy, I doubt s/he'll stay small for long! =]  In the front left, you see a swaddler.  I've heard wonderful things about this invention and I cannot WAIT to try it out!  And, on the front right, you see the part of the gift that I'm most especially intrigued by (even though I'm sure it will be the last one used!).  They're Munchkin fresh food feeders.  You can put fruit or veggies right inside the little pouch part and then the kiddo can just suck on them to their heart's content without the danger of choking!  Here, I've pulled a better picture of them from Amazon for your viewing pleasure.

I can't wait to use these things!  The concept is so simple yet so incredibly ingenious at the same time!  Mrs. Morris, if you're reading this, please note that both "Stick" and I THANK YOU very, very much for your contribution to this next part of our lives. =] We really appreciate it!

And then, as long as I had my camera out, I realized that I haven't shown you guys the onesie that Kelly's sister bought for "Stick" yet either.  She put quite a bit of thought behind it and I think it's adorable!  It's gray and purple and, according to her, "If it's a girl, it's purple.  If it's a boy, it's Vikings!"  Haha.  I love it!  

And of course, if you're having trouble reading the writing on the front, it says, "My Auntie is #1!"  Hahaha!  Stick will definitely have to wear this while visiting his/her auntie in a year or so. =]

And, one last quick picture to share with you guys.  It's not Stick-related per se, but it's definitely Mommy and Daddy related!  We're both kind of nuts when it comes to the holidays, so, for your viewing pleasure, this is what Christmas looks like in the Olson residence this year. =]

If you don't hear from me again before Wednesday, you will definitely be hearing from me on Wednesday after our first prenatal doctor's appointment!  Keep your fingers crossed that everything goes well! =]

Countdown to Ultrasound!

I really don't have all that much to say today, but I figured I'd throw a post out there anyways! =]

Our first prenatal appointment/ultrasound is NEXT WEDNESDAY!  I'm so excited!  That means in almost exactly four days (the appointment is even at 2:00 and it's currently 1:59 here!) we'll get to see 'Stick' for the first time!  The whole thing still seems so surreal.  I mean, is there REALLY a baby in there?  I can't wait to see Stick's little heartbeat pumping away on the screen. =] Plus, then we'll know whether there's one or two in there!  I'm still betting on one, but hubby's step-mom is determined that there are two.  We shall see! =]

As far as symptoms go, I'm so grateful that I've been morning sickness free for the most part!  Although I think the nausea is starting to kick it up a notch.  I've started wearing my sea bands on a regular basis and there's a few times where I've found myself gagging.  But nothing too serious.  I'm still able to eat and still pretty much have an appetite.  Although lunch today was interesting!  I was craving barbecue chicken so I dug the last chicken breast out of the freezer and cooked it up.  When it was finished, I took a bite and the texture made me gag.  I couldn't eat it.  And now, two hours later and thinking about it again, I find myself almost gagging at the thought of any kind of chicken coming anywhere near my mouth!  I think chicken may be off of the menu for awhile!  Oh!  And typically I don't like apple cider, but last night, my hubby was having a glass of it and it smelled GLORIOUS!  I ended up drinking the whole thing and had to make him a new one.  Ha.

We got the prenatal Yoga DVD that I ordered in the mail about a week ago but I haven't gotten a chance to try it out yet.  I was ridiculously ill with this cold/asthma/sinus thing that pretty much knocked me flat on my back with a box of tissues for half the week.  It just started breaking last night and, I'm still a little congested and coughing, but feeling MUCH better!  Which means, as soon as hubby gets home from work, I think we're going to break out the DVD tonight and he's totally going to do it with me. =]

And I know I never did manage to get back to the blog with a six week belly pic, but it really hasn't changed much. So, pretty much, if you want to see this week's, just backtrack and look at last week's.  XD  I will be good and have a new one up on Monday though for the seven week mark. =] Girl scout's honor!

Reflections on Infertility

I want to start this post off with saying, point blank, that if you have never experienced infertility, you have no idea how it feels or how it affects a person.

We live in a society and a time that endorses the idea of family planning.  I mean, sure there are plenty of people that have children before they're ready for them, but the enforced ideal is that, when we're ready for them, when our time is right, when we're prepared enough and stable enough to care for children and we decide that we are indeed ready for them, we'll have them.  That is, unless you're infertile.  And there are a lot (and I mean, A LOT) of very ignorant and arrogant opinions out there concerning infertility.

Women grow up assuming and expecting that when they're ready to become mothers (if that's their choice) that they'll be able to.  They go into the process of trying to become mothers with high hopes and excitement.  A new stage in their life is about to unfold!  And then month after month after month of trying and failing passes.  Turns into years.  People who weren't even in relationships before the infertile couple started trying to conceive now have babies of their own.  You begin to wonder what's wrong with you, how you're defective, and what you've done to deserve this.  Every woman should be able to procreate, I mean, isn't this what our prime purpose in being a woman at all is?  There must be something wrong with you.  You feel guilty for being in a committed relationship and not being able to supply that special someone with an heir to call their own.  In some of the worst moments, you consider leaving them, to set them free in order to find another woman who is not broken.  There is guilt, and tears, and disappointment deeper than most fertile people could possibly imagine.  It becomes almost an obsession, there is nothing you want more in this entire world than to become a parent.  And then, on top of all this, there is another layer of guilt because we do have so many things to be thankful for and this is all we can focus on.  Why can't we just focus on the things that are positive in our lives instead of the things that we can't have?  But that doesn't stop us from wanting to be parents, dreaming and wishing and . . . crying about it.

And to top it all off, we are ashamed.  We are defective and broken.  So we find a few close people to hold us up in our weakest moments and let them in our secrets, and then we do our very best to hide it from the rest of the world.  Because surely they would look down us for it.  Surely they would see us as lesser beings.  I mean, if we are unable to conceive, that must mean that's God's way of saying, "No more!" for our bloodlines!  At least, that's what we assume people would think of us, so we don't let them see the inside.  We ward their questions off with some vague response:  "When are you going to have children?"  "Oh, when we're ready . . ."  But really, the question tears your heart out, because the real answer is, "We've been trying for three years and suffered two miscarriages.  We want nothing more in the world than to be parents.  But really?  Maybe never.  And, quite frankly, it's none of your business."

And, oh goodness, don't get me started on listening to fertile couples talk about their conception struggles.  We may have been trying for years, gone through many failed fertility medications and treatments, and then you expect to listen and sympathize with how agonizing it was that it took you three whole months to conceive your beautiful baby?  You have a beautiful baby.  We have piles of doctor's bills and less hope then we had in the beginning that this is ever going to work.

And there is nothing, I repeat, nothing that can resort an infertile woman to tears so quickly as someone else's pregnancy announcement.  It's not that we're not happy for you.  If this is what you want, we are happy for you.  But we are sad and bitter and jealous and jaded for ourselves.  We want that happiness for ourselves and we don't know if it's something that we're ever going to be able to experience and it hurts, more than you could possibly imagine.  And if the pregnancy is unwanted?  That hurts even worse.  It just doesn't make sense and it's so beyond unfair that someone who doesn't even want it, can have our deepest heart's desire without even trying.

I cannot possibly put into words that feeling of disappointment when your period shows up again after another month of trying and failing for that positive pregnancy test, those moments in the dark when you're sobbing into your pillow feeling guilty and horrible and trying not to wake your husband up because you know he would try to fix it and it's SO not his fault . . . it's yours, the anger and the resentment and the bitterness and the humiliation.  There aren't words to describe any of these.  Being infertile is one of the biggest emotional roller coasters that a woman could ever possibly ride.  And they usually ride it in silence because they are ashamed, which makes the burden that much heavier to bear.

So, I plead with you now, never chastise a woman for not jumping for joy at your pregnancy announcement, never tell a couple to 'just relax' and it will happen (pretty darn impossible if you don't even ovulate!), never tell a couple they should 'just adopt' (if you want children of your own, why should an infertile couple not be allowed to have the same want?), and for the love of all that is holy, keep your snide comments to yourself when it comes to pregnancy and babies.  Because you have no idea what may be going on inside that woman's head and the impact that your negative actions and comments are having on her.  If you haven't been there, you cannot possibly understand, but you CAN be tactful.

And with that, I cannot even express how grateful I am that my husband and I have come this far on our infertility journey.  For us, all it took was a proper diagnosis and three months of proper medication to balance my hormones enough to kick-start my ovaries back into ovulating.  Many other women are not as lucky.  There are others that have gone through medications that make them a raging ball of emotions, painful injections, and, when all else fails, in vitro fertilization that comes with a $10,000 price tag and no guarantee of success.  This whole thing has been harder on my emotions than I could even begin to describe, but it could have been worse, and for that, I am so incredibly grateful.  And I extend my hope and my sympathy to the women who are still trying.  Most of them will finally achieve that positive pregnancy test, experience a pregnancy of their own, and finally, FINALLY get the opportunity to hold their baby in their arms.  A small percentage will not, and my heart breaks for them.  I wish them all the luck and baby dust and what modern medicine has to offer in the world.

And, if there are actually individuals out there who have the audacity to assume that a diagnosis of infertility is God's way of bringing an end to a bloodline, I call you out.  For one, how ridiculous that you could possibly think that you were intelligent or 'special' enough to be privy to the will of God and, for two, God helps those who help themselves.  Perhaps this is God's way of ensuring that the children borne from infertile couples will be born into a home that loves them and appreciates every second with them, because I fully believe that there is no one who is loved quite so much as a child that was believed might never exist.